Darkness.

The terror that's gripping my throat is familiar. The wellknown feeling of multiple hands pressing against me is back. Their grip around my neck is strong, stronger, my vision is blurred. Little drops of tears escape my eyes as I try to breathe. The only sound I hear is the beat of my heart, faster than possible, and I close my eyes. I succumb to the pressure around my throat and give in. Black spots appear in front of me, even though my eyes are closed. There is nothing I can do, my limbs are numb from the fear, my voice lost after all the silent screaming, and I know it's almost over. I walk towards the darkness, it is reaching for me. Coaxing me nearer, telling me to give in.

I give in.

A different kind of darkness.

The sun rises over the treetops, peeking through the curtains in my window. Telling me it's time to open my eyes again. I don't know if I can.

I do it anyway, and the headache seeps in as I take in my surroundings. By the time I've got up and put my head in my hands, it feels like knives piercing my skull. Like it's ten of them, alternating their turn in the stab-fest on my brain. I know chewing Paracet won't help, but I take two anyway. Old habit, perhaps. As I walk towards the bathroom, I start cracking my neck to the left, as I do all the time. It makes three loud popping sounds, and I wonder if it's going to break one of these days.

My legs are heavy under me, and it feels like I am walking on molasses. Like my feet are sticking to an invisible layer of glue on my bedroomfloor. The glue is there when I enter the hallway too, as it is on every floor these days. The headache is there also, and the three of us stumble very slowly into the bathroom. The warm tiles on the floor comforts me a little bit. I sit down on the toilet, more to avoid falling, than to actually use it. As I lean over to the shower, trying to turn it on without kissing the floor, I wish that this day would be over soon.

A little bit later I stand in front of the staircase, wishing it was shorter and not so steep. I wobble a bit, and grap the handle at my left. Every time I stand at the top, I can see myself falling ass-first down the whole thing. And I have the pain to accompany the image as well, since I actually did fall when I was younger. I fall fast, knocking every vertebra in my spine at each step. The stairs take a fast right turn at the bottom, and I end up smacking my already pained head in the wall in the process. Fortunate as I am, it ends on a stone-floor shortly after. Bruised and aching, I lie on the cold floor thinking I am broken. Even more.

I take a deep breath and start walking down the stairs, pushing the image of myself on the floor away. Into the already full room in my head, that holds most of my fear/pain-inducing images and feelings and memories. I have been stuffing a lot of things in there lately. I wonder when it's full, and what will happen then. But before my mind can wander anymore dark places, my feet hits the cold stone floor, and I am downstairs. Kitchen. I should go to the kitchen. I should eat something.

My mother stands in the kitchen, taking the dishes out of the dishwasher, and I stop to a halt immidiately. She has never been very silent when she does it, and today is no day out of the ordinary. With every plate or fork that hits eachother, the stabbing in my head continues. Only this time the pain keeps on going down my body, hitting the floor where my toes should be. I can't feel them over the pain, but they should be down there somewhere. I yell at my mom and she says she's sorry. Asks if I want anything to eat before school. School. The word alone creeps me out, and I emerge from the shooting pain. I tell her I have a headache and that I don't want to go, but she says I have to go anyway. Something about missing too many classes and my attitude. I don't know. My mind is already in that dark place, collecting random images from school.

Pictures of me in class, trying to listen to the teacher and keep my eyes open at the same time. My eyelids are so heavy, I literally can't open them. I yawn uncontrollable and my skin feels two sizes smaller than it should be. Someone speaks to me at the right, but I can't hear them. The world around me merges into a vortex of sounds and images and pain and confusion and people. I know I'm supposed to be like everyone else and listen and pay attention and whisper and laugh and write something but I just can't. I'm in the middle of a storm, and it's taking away my ability to be present, it's taking me away. I leave the classroom without asking to, and run to the bathroom. I try to run anyway, but my feet are stuck to that molasses on the floor again. It takes every bit of effort in me just to lift them and put them forward. A feeling is tugging the back of my brain, but it doesn't reach me. I am numb and chaotic and I don't belong here.

My mom was probably talking to me, because now she's looking at me like she expects an answer to something. I shake my head and tell her it's fine. I'll go to school. Beats being here anyway. It's too loud and I am expected to do something all the time. I leave the house without breakfast, my memory is full so I don't remember it anyway. I rarely remember stuff, whether it's important or not. Sometimes I think my harddrive is full, and that I need a reboot or something. Or maybe new parts.

I get on the bus and brace myself for the crowd that's inside. The impressions are violent to my ears, eyes and mind. I find a seat at the front, because I know that the nausea will come, and I'm better off there. Closing my eyes, I wish that this day would be over soon. I'm so tired. I fall asleep with my head against the window, to the neverending sounds of people. Why must they be so loud? is the last thought I have before drifting off to a better place.

I wake up as the busdriver shakes my shoulders. He says I have to get off, we're at the final stop now. I thank him and try to shake the haziness as I get off the bus. This is where I usually go straight to school, but today I just look for another bus that will take me away from here. I find one that will take me to the stables, and as I get on it I feel a pang of guilt in my stomach. What will my mom say about this? I have so much absence at shool already, what will happen if I start doing this? I know there is a limit to how much you can skip school, and I also know that if I do this, I will continue to do this. But I don't really care right now.

Safe spots doesn't really exist.

There's only one place in this town I feel safe and relaxed, and that's at the stables. When I'm here at daytime, most people are at school or work, so I basically have the place to myself. Other than a few people, I am surrounded by horses and silence. Silence. The word calls me, and I crave it, but I'm also afraid of it. I don't know what it has in store for me. Besides, I'm going on autopilot most of the time, I don't know where I would find it. But here, among the non-speaking horses, there is a touch of it. I decide to stay here for as long as I'm supposed to be at school, and then head home. I don't really have any horses to take care of today, but I can just sit on the grass and do nothing. That will be okay. As I lie down, I feel the grass gently wrapping around me, and I look at the blue sky. The light hurts my eyes, but I squint and try to stare anyway. "It's a beautiful day", a strange voice tells me in my head. "You should enjoy it." I try to do as it tells me to, and take a deep breath. The people around me would say that it looks beautiful, to lie down and soak up the sun when everyone else is working.

I just feel the pain. The chaos inside me is here to stay, I fear. Being in constant pain and stress and feeling more and more like an outsider will do that to you. Or should I say feeling like a freak. I'm not normal, that's for sure. There is something wrong with me, I just know it. I'm not working properly. And I don't feel like I belong anywhere. It could be just another teenage-gone-emo thing, but it doesn't feel like it. On a very deep level inside me, I feel wrong. And I don't know what's wrong with me. Last time it rained on me, like literally 50 seconds of rain, I was down with a fever for 2 weeks. The same thing happens if I'm outside in the wind, or when I'm out partying and drinking. What if I have HIV or something? It has to be something terrible, or I wouldn't feel like this. I just wanna be normal. I just wanna be normal. I just wanna be normal.

I don't know how long I can keep this up. I'm just so tired.


I wish this day would be over soon.